Do they know about your mental health struggles, like anxiety or depression, and how you cope?

Unfortunately, for many families, the answer to these questions is, “no.” Mental health continues to be widely misunderstood. It remains heavily stigmatized-a sign of weakness; something that happens over there; but not to “strong” people. This happens within the professions of mental health too, a tragedy worsened by “armchair” therapists who do not have the appropriate training and specialized expertise to provide mental health diagnoses or opinions. My years of clinical work, research and teaching, combined with living, have taught me that just like there is no such thing as someone who lives free from physical health struggles; there is no such thing as someone who lives free from mental health struggles. Why? Because (1) mental health, like physical health, generally, “runs in families,” is passed down over generations, as a consequence of both genetics and caregiver or peer modeling; (2) Physical and mental health occupy the same bodily systems. This is why psychiatric medications and therapy can have effects; (3) Societal, regional and community systems also run in families. These systems leave deep mental health legacies and coping patterns that can go unrecognized within families over multiple generations (e.g., multigenerational trauma); and; (4) for everyone, life happens.

Do you say or think the following, or do they too “run” in your family?

“But, we are ok in my family. Just look how I turned out.”

“What does this have to do with young children. They are too young for therapy and learning about mental health.”

“People need to stop living in fear.”

“Children are resilient.”

These kinds of “Yogi Berra,” broad brush-stroke statements are not helpful (nor are they necessarily true). They also do not address the reality that you (as caregiver) are your child’s first indicator that it is ok to have mental health moments or conditions. It is not enough to only tell your child that it’s okay if THEY have mental health struggles. Children need for you to confirm this through your words and actions for them and yourself. They sense and see your mental health or those of other family, whether or not they can name it or articulate it at the time. By not talking about yours or anyone else’s in the family, you are effectively conveying to them that having mental health struggles is bad versus as natural as waking up every day.

Let’s examine this more closely using fear as an example, a big emotion that underlies many anxiety and trauma conditions. Whether you acknowledge it or not, fear is still there creating stress and tension in your body, in your relationships, including with yourself. It is contagious and so it triggers fear responses in others too, including children. Fear is a fundamental, deeply wired reaction that protects organisms against perceived threat to their integrity or existence. Fear triggers stress hormones in the body meant to make it easier for you to save yours or someone else’s life. This manifests as a fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn response, a good thing when there are real threats, or a problem when your mind or body is having a hard time interpreting “threat." Your child is likely predisposed to certain “fear” responses (anxiety) and at the very least, has seen your anxiety and/or coping or that of other family members. With no explanation from you of what runs in their family they learn that they should feel shame for having their fear response and their family history (that they have no control over), which then exacerbates their fear response etc.…

With all of this in mind, how does one talk about mental health with one’s child?

If your child can be read to, then they are not too young to learn about mental health and understand what this looks like in them and how to cope. Start reading to them in infancy, about what you know and believe runs in your family and coping. You can read books like: The Rainbow Fish, Seven Little Monkeys, Yoga Bear, Yoga Whale, Will Giraffe Laugh or Will Sheep Sleep. As they get a little older, read together, preschooler to kindergarten aged books like, The What ifs, I Love My Hair, Thunder Boy Jr., the Yasmin series and I am Yoga. Notice, many of these books are not specifically about a mental health condition, but perhaps a set of circumstances that you or your child might face. The point is to grab a book that helps you open up the dialogue with your child, even if the book does not directly mention the issue at hand. This is especially critical because it is very difficult to find good age-appropriate books on the wide variety of mental health conditions. This is especially true for serious mental health conditions like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and personality disorders (e.g., borderline, narcissism). And it is important to remember that mental health happens in environments and systems; meaning you cannot remove the importance of societal, community, school and family/peer contexts on initiating and maintaining mental health and coping (both good and bad). Above all, I strongly encourage families to narrate conversations to your child(ren), as developmentally appropriate as you can, what is happening with you, and what you are trying to use to cope with your concerns. When in doubt, seek out a qualified child and family mental health professional specializing in your mental health need, to help with how to discuss mental health with your child(ren).

What are you talking about with your children regarding your mental health and what runs in your family?